When I met my husband, I was so naive. Or maybe I was in denial, who knows. Several people warned me about becoming involved with someone who had so much "baggage." But, the fact that he was 14 years older than me, had been married twice previously and already had children didn't bother me in the least. I knew right away that he was special and I wanted to spend every minute with him. I didn't know we would end up married, but I will never regret that decision. He is truly wonderful, and I love him dearly.

The problem is that when it comes to my step children, I am learning things about myself that I am not proud of at all. In the beginning, I put alot of effort into making sure they liked me. They all lived hours from us and we didn't see them that often, but when we did I would spend alot of time with them. Taking them places, buying things for them, etc. , At one point after we were married, his oldest came to live with us. I believe he was 12 or 13. I was the one who helped with the homework, drove him wherever he needed to go, took him shopping. And then, I overheard him talking to his mother on the phone . Turns out , "Heather is annoying and her kid is a brat." I tried to make myself think that he was just a preteen trying to let his mom know that she couldn't be replaced in any way. But, I was very hurt when I heard that. And, I admit afterwards, I put less effort into my relationship with him. For various reasons, he went back to live with his mom a few months after that. Fast forward to today. He is 17, and has always had it rough with his mother. She makes it obvious that he has been nothing but a thorn in her side since birth. He was a preemie and to be honest, has always been a little slow. And, he is easily influenced. For some reason, he just gravitates toward the wrong people. He has dropped out of school, moved out of his mother's home and is now sitting in jail. There is a very good chance that he will be court-ordered to come and live with us. Ugh.

My husband, bless his heart so desperately wants to help his son, to try to turn this kid around. Understandably so. I can't imagine what he has been feeling knowing his son is getting in over his head and we are 6+ hours away. He has always missed his kids and of course would jump at any chance to have them live with us, or help them in any way. Again, very understandable. The problem is that I am selfish. I want to support my husband, and try and help this kid. But, at the same time I don't want to share. I don't want to be a parent to someone who doesn't even like me no matter how much effort I make. I don't want to clean up after a sloppy teenager, deal with the nasty attitude, deal with an ex-wife, and just in general have my life change in any way for the worse. I don't want a bad influence around my girls. But, I also don't want my husband to resent me if I refuse to let him come here. Now, it could be said that I knew what I was signing up for when I got married to a man with all the "baggage." And, yeah maybe I did. But, as I have said, the kids lived so far away, that we saw them 2-3 times a year and really that didn't effect things too much. Naive or denial? Still don't know. I just have knots in my stomach and am sick about this. I am very disapointed in myself right now. Any decent person would just make the decision to help a troubled teenager and not be upset at how much it would change her comfortable life. Not something I am proud of, but there it is.

We spent all day today in my husand's hometown for a memorial service. You know those wonderful older people who are no relation to you, but for some reason you call them "uncle" or "aunt?" Well, my husband's "uncle" Willard passed away on Tuesday. He was 86. He was an extraordinary human being. I can't think of him without smiling. He was only about five feet tall, and was so mild-mannered. He had a gentle voice and was just a gem. He and his sweet wife were married for 62 years. Isn't that just incredible? Aunt Dottie is such a tough lady, but I could tell she is exhausted. My heart broke watching her today. Greeting so many people and trying to keep a smile on her face. I managed to stay dry eyed until she was presented with the flag at the ceremony (Willard served in WWII). I could hear her sobbing in the front of the church and I just lost it. I worry about how she will cope. We will all miss him dearly, but can you imagine being married for 62 years and then being alone? Oh my, my heart just aches for her.

Willard, you were an angel on earth and now you are an angel in Heaven. We love and miss you.

Those of you in the northeast know that this winter has been unlike any other. Mid fifties and sun one day, below freezing and snow the next. We got a bit lax here and forgot to leave the water running slightly so it wouldn't freeze the other night when it was super cold. So, our water froze and then the pump broke. Wonderful. Hopefully it will be fixed today, but there is just laundry and dishes piled everywhere. Ugh. I have so much catching up to do and it stinks because I am a total neat freak. I can't stand the clutter--it is driving me crazy. And, wouldn't you know it. It is absolutely pouring outside today and is predicted to get up to 54 degrees. So, my yard is a lake. There is water everywhere outside and none in the house. Go figure.

The diet is going better this week. I am not craving the carbs quite as much and the water consumption is becoming tolerable, at least. A friend gave me a bunch of pairs of jeans that she can't fit into anymore. I need jeans desperately. Unfortunately, she must think I am smaller than I am because they are just one size to small. So, I have an overabundance of jeans and none that fit. Go figure again.

I changed the photo blog to one on blogger. Too many sleezy ads on the Fotopages site. Yuck. Here it is if you care to peek. :)

I thought instead of bombarding all of you with pictures of my children constantly (which I know can get old to some), I would start a photo blog. That leaves this blog free for me to write meaningful, inspiring entries. ;) Keep in mind, it is brand new so there isn't much there now. I plan on updating it regularly. Feel free to comment if you wish.

Whew. Don't you think there should be some divine rule that says moms are not allowed to get sick? I was up almost all of early Friday morning sick as a dog. I literally got about two hours of sleep. I got out of bed at 7, got Jaycie ready for school and moved to the couch. I spent all day yesterday on the couch. Kenna and Avery stayed in their jammies all day (as did I). I had absolutely no energy at all. I had a fever, chills, just couldn't keep anything down at all. Yuck. My poor kids ate cereal for dinner last night. I took the baby and went to bed about 7 p.m. Today I feel better. Still weak, and I think I still have a touch of the fever, but so much better than yesterday. I just couldn't function. My skin hurt, that is how bad it was. I usually only get sick once a year, lets hope that was it.

I am loving my new template. Thank you Dana! It is too cute. I will fix that little glitch soon, I just didn't feel like it yesterday. :)

Update on the puppies: Two have been taken, and the other two are spoken for. I could not be more thrilled. WHEW!

I am dying for some bread, people. This dieting just sucks-plain and simple. But, I have to do it. I am so freaking fat. UGH. I love, love, love my children. But, they have wreaked total chaos and havoc on my body. And, obviously my love of bread and chocolate didn't help the cause either. But, my largest struggle is drinking all that water. Blech! I hate drinking water when it is cold out. I can only tolerate it in the hot, humid weather. For some reason, it makes me gag any other time. But, I am determined. I have worked out every day, and stuck to the diet. So far, three pounds are gone. I have such a long haul. I have become the girl who was the cute cheerleader in high school that everyone flocks to class reunions to see because she got so fat. Only my class's idea of a reunion is a "kegger" in someone's wooded property if at all. So, I am not too worried about being seen yet. LOL

I may be in the middle of another court battle involving one of my daycare children. The little girl I blogged about last time. Don't ever let anyone tell you daycare providers don't work their asses off in every way. ARG. She left my house Friday afternoon with her dad as it was his weekend. The mom called me Sunday evening after he had returned her. She wanted to know if my two year old had fresh bruises and said "Daddy did it.", would I believe her. I said, maybe, maybe not. Take her to a doctor and a have her looked at if you are worried. Just keep your eyes open for other things that seem off. That way it would also be documented if in the future something were to happen. So, she did. The doctor called CPS and I was warned that her lawyer would more than likely contact me to testify because I am the only other person who saw the child Friday without bruises and Monday with them. Wonderful. I was asked to testify over the summer in the same custody case. I was told if I didn't do it on my own, I would receive a subpeona. I had to take two days off of work and never even got on the stand. I am seriously tired of this. I cannot afford to take time off from work right now. I just wish people could take care of their own problems and leave me be. So, yeah. I have to deal with way more than need be for that $125 a week.

Off to drink more water.

Sorry, Mindi. Here goes:

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Waitress
2. School bus driver
3. Cashier
4. daycare provider (again)


Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Steel Magnolias
3. Point of No Return
4. Titanic

Four places you have lived: (I've only lived in 2...)
1. Pennsylvania
2. New York


Four TV shows you love to watch: (I have way more than four)
1. ER
2. American Idol
3. Guiding Light
4. ATWT
5. The OC (blush, blush, blush)

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Lewes, Delaware
2. Quebec
3. Ocean City, MD
4. Orlando, FL

Four websites you visit daily:
1. SheKnows
2. Ebay
3. various blogs
4. weather.com

Four of your favorite foods:
1. All things chocolate
2. Arby's beef n' cheddar and cheddar curly fries (my mouth is watering now.)
3. chinese
4. pizza


Four places you would rather be right now:
1. Anywhere where there isn't snow.
2. ditto
3. ditto
4. ditto

Four bloggers you are tagging:
No one, I have a strict policy when it comes to tagging. Don't want to piss anyone off. LOL I love to play along, though. :)

I am realizing that when it comes to parenting, I just must not be the norm. I have really been thinking about this lately. It is so hard for me to deal with the way some of these kids behave, and I can't believe how the parents deal(or not) with their behavior. I feel like I get these kids on Monday, and by Friday they are trained. By the time they spend a whole weekend with their parents, it is all kabolished and I have to start over. LOL

For example, I have this two year old little girl who is a gorgeous child, but who is a royal terror alot of the time. Now, maybe I have just been lucky with my children (Avery could prove me wrong yet), but I have never had to endure a tantrum. Kenna started banging her feet on the floor one time not too long ago (she saw this other girl doing it) and the look of I gave her put an end to that in a hurry. She has yet to do it again, thank goodness. Looking at this other child funny will promptly put her into a rage. She will just drop to the floor kicking and screaming in this high pitched awful scream that I swear sometimes would make dogs howl. And, her mother totally coddles her when she does it. Drives me bonkers. Doesn't she know that is the child's intention? And, if she wants something, she whines and cries for it right off the bat instead of just asking. The mom puts up with that too. That is one of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to kids. I am really working hard trying to teach this kid to just stand up and ask for what she wants instead of making a huge production out of wanting a sippy of milk. Goodness sakes. But, like I said...the weekend rolls around and all my work is backtracked. I swear, 85% of the time this kid is whining or screaming. I feel badly for the other kids that they have to listen to it all the time. And, quite honestly--the kid is starting to suck the life force out of me. I mean, I can handle two three-month old babies, a three year old, two 7 year olds, a 6 year old, and and 8 year old all at the same time. No problem. But this kid is just draining me. I am wondering if it is worth it.

And, speaking of the 6 and 8 year olds. Both boys (brothers). They are pretty good for me most of the time. But,the minute their mom gets here it becomes apparent that she puts up with alot. They are so disrespectful toward her. The way these kids treat their mom is horrid. Stuff I would never ever tolerate. What is up with these parents?

My kids are far from angelic, but the more I am around other peoples' kids, the more I am convinced my husband and I are doing something right. Which is good, because I am still afraid sometimes that I am screwing them up somehow. I hope they make it to adulthood and never need therapy to undo my parenting. LOL

Your New Year's Resolutions

1) Get a pet monkey 2) Eat more Cheetos 3) Travel to Costa Rica 4) Study rare insects 5) Get in shape with roller derby

Ummm, not even close. My real resolutions are:
1. Eat more vegetables (another way of saying "lose weight").

2. Manage my time more effeciently so that I can spend more time doing fun projects with my girls.

3. Make more money and spend it wisely.

We are home. It was a long trip, but very nice. After stopping at two more nonfunctioning picture makers, I finally found one along the way. This is one of the pics I blew up for my parents: I just LOVE this picture. :) I know some of you have already seen it. It is just so rare that I can take a picture of my children where they are all smiling and looking at the camera.